One of the first things we are taught as performers is to leave our problems at the door. It makes sense. In the room, we are a diverse group of people with a job to do and a schedule to meet. Outside of the room, we express our wins and cast shade over our losses. The phrase ‘nailing it’ rings in my ears from that decade of my twenties. A stoic pursuit of excellence and a relentless work ethic was celebrated as we scrambled to our idea of the top. How we really felt laid very deep beneath the surface.

I began performing as a child after being picked to sing the solos in the Christmas nativity at primary school. I decided, then, that this was my dream, that this is who I wanted to be. Nervously, then fervently, I began to compete in the local music festival, aching to receive first place, It never quite happened. At nine, I received a letter inviting me to perform for the Queen’s Golden Jubilee in Beverley. The Queen didn’t look happy while I sang, so I wrote a letter to Buckingham Palace for feedback. A lady-in-waiting assured me that the Queen was just tired that day.

I followed the ache to be chosen for first place well into adulthood, it seemed like the most obvious path. I pushed myself beyond my limits to earn that place to be seen. The problem was, however, to be seen for who?

When we all stopped singing during Covid, I felt the pressure I had maintained this whole time finally release. For the first time since childhood, I felt able to stop striving for first place, even if just for a while. That was total freedom. For the first time, I dared to question if I was happy in my work, in my expression, and in myself. What did I really think, what did I really feel? Could I choose to be someone different now?

The illusion of ‘sunk cost’ can hold us back from even daring to ask ourselves the question. Many of us have been working on this dream since childhood, and grappling with it can mean facing up to every part of ourselves, including the parts we might have cast into the shadows. Those parts were waiting to speak.

For me, depression is the opposite of expression, and anxiety is the opposite of freedom. For years, I internalised the idea that my struggle to feel compatible with the world around me meant that there was something wrong inside. I realise now, with never-ending compassion for my younger self, that much of it was environmental. I hadn’t created a space yet where my full expression could exist, and change again.

The painful idea of failure had been my vehicle in the later years, and it took big life events to shake me awake. Coming out of Covid, my dear friend and sister Ella passed away. She was an incredible singer, artist, storyteller, and cook. She also walked through this world with a kindness that changed my life. She showed me what compassion can do, and how much people need it. Ella died while I was on an opera contract, before going into back-to-back shows for a year. I pushed through it all, getting good reviews and an Offie nomination, with what I believed to be strength. At the end of this rainbow of strength was a burnout that sees me working to regain my ability to sing still to this day.

The words for my low point are interchangeable: burnout… heartbreak… breakdown. As was my experience. I moved through revelations, epiphany, and a tsunami of growth that completely changed my life. I’ve never understood myself more. I moved from the island of myself and joined the land. I read about shame. I read Brené Brown. While shame invites us to hide and disconnect, courage invites us to create community, to heal, and express. It has been community that has healed me the most. Community, like all organic things, takes years, takes a lifetime.

Authenticity requires us to put something real in the pot, not knowing what will happen next. Through daring to present myself, whether it would benefit my career or not, my life took wings. Through it all, I founded Showcase Creative Studio, a website design platform, as a place for singers to feel safe to be authentically themselves and to be truly celebrated. The time to be seen is when you choose it to be. It’s work that brings me profound joy and an ongoing connection to our incredible musical community. My work is a place that is rich with life stories and hope, one where the conversation on change-making in our industry thrives. Healing is a life-long journey, and I know from experience that honouring yourself is the most sacred place to begin. ON

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